So, while there's a lot in the subjective experience of anger that doesn't seem to be about thought, thought plays a critical role in the phenomenon of anger. GRID Alternatives is a non-profit working across the United States and internationally to build community-powered solutions to advance economic and environmental justice through renewable energy. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. And, Im wondering what additional measures might support safety/nonviolence? In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. You talk about how Clean Talk invites the expression of a "second-level want" that "helps to bring into the open the real reason for the conversation", and say that it "often helps to resolve the conflict more effectively than any other component of the conversation." ", You say "Despite his expressed dislike for thinking in general and for judgments in particular, I see Dr. Rosenberg suggesting that an NVC user make an extraordinary number of judgments, to divine the needs of ourselves and others, to respond to the "deeper meanings" beneath another person's words (p.9), to sense the other person's reality (p.97), and, when a request is refused, to guess what the other person is feeling or needing.". There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. It would be better to say, Ive been waiting here for 20 minutes. I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. (You might download a study of how NVC has been demonstrated to increase effectiveness in an organizational setting.) Messy talk and clean technology: communication, problem-solving and Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. We have developed fast and simple plugins for the most popular CMS such as WordPress spam protection plugin, Joomla, Drupal and other plugins. The idea of making empathy guesses in the case where the other person says no is also an example of suggesting something for teaching purposes that wouldnt necessarily always be done that way in practice. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. CleanTalk has one of the biggest spam activity database of IP/email addresses. Theyll also have a much clearer sense of how their performance contributed to you than they would if all they heard was You were great! And, this sort of expression makes it less likely that the listener will be conditioned to be excessively vulnerable to someone criticizing them. But, Im confident there was never any desire to have a sense of urgency or Ill die if I dont have this or you have to do this because its a need be associated with what was being talked about. And, at the same time, I get stressed when what I expected to have happen doesnt. His comments came as he spoke to a group of reporters on read more. You say, "On one hand, this paraphrasing or guessing seems to be trying to compensate for the incapacity of the original exchange to express reasons, which are a type of judgment Its not about any incapacity to express reasons in the model, insofar as the other person is presumed, more often than not, to not know or care about the model. How would you know to whom you were talking, or when the conversation started and ended, or when the other person had finished talking and it was your turn to speak? Again, NVC is totally in favor of people exercising discernment (what you call judgment), so this concern seems rooted in a premise that doesnt match my understanding of NVC. I view learning how to communicate in more satisfying ways as an ongoing exploration, and Im continually trying to identify gaps in what I share with others about this topic, and in my own understanding. Without anger, I wouldn't know that someone had crossed my boundaries, invaded my privacy without my permission, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, taken advantage of me, 'put one over on' me, or 'crossed a line.' The best for a personal blog or small or medium size business website. As I understand it, what Dr. Rosenberg says amounts to expressing concern about some nuances of how we appreciate and encourage one another, not something that goes against the basic idea. Gain access to our free classifieds marketplace to buy, sell and trade equipment. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. 26. So, I suppose it is naturally that there are words that are in a grey zone slightly but not extremely charged, and naming important experiences that are hard to point to otherwise so that they get included on NVC feelings lists, and it is hoped that the practitioner will use discernment about whether it is likely to be helpful or unhelpful to use that word in the context of a particular conversation. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. 8. You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. Regrettably, I imagine that many NVC practitioners do, some of the time, simply push away or suppress their moralistic judgments in ways that lead them to ultimately leak out in harmful ways. They accomplish this mission but at the expense of trust and intimacy. So, paradoxically, because of my belief that the world would be better if there were less violence, I feel worried about endorsing conventional patterns of condemning of violence. Our support of GRID Alternatives goes to training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. We are simply talking about the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request. It seems like youve been busier, and I dont know if thats just because your classes are hard this semester or you just havent been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. But, this is somewhat outside the realm of mainstream NVC teaching. However, NVC notes some risks in expressing things in this way, and offers guidance as to how one might reduce those risks. I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought." You express a concern that, "NVC loses a precious opportunity here, particularly for parents, mentors, teachers, and others who wish to acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support. Im not sure what you think NVC is advocating for that that would prevent this from happening? Also particularly striking in that work is the use of questions which can surface assumptions in ways that sometimes powerfully transform conflicts. Thanks for reaching out! Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. You say "What strikes me most about this practice is that it attempts to hide what we're really feeling from the other person, which seems to me a form of deception. I respectfully disagree. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. This doesnt mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards . NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. And, you offer an example of how the principle might have attended to both. In actual NVC conversations with people who dont know NVC, saying I need in a way that is likely to trigger a sense of obligation in the listener would be the total antithesis of NVC it would amount to making a demand (and NVC is specifically designed to be about not making demands) in the guise of what superficially appears to be NVC. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. What NVC recommends is that the speaker express how the other persons actions have contributed to them personally. Again, this isnt addressed in the book you read. Maybe I would need to see some examples of what you would enjoy better, to sense into the advantages. Frequently Asked Questions about New Dawn Works. You also say "it seems to be inviting a discussion of reasons with no clear guidelines for how reasons might be expressed safely using NVC. Actually, one of the main reasons for suggesting guessing the reason, as opposing to simply asking for a reason, is to model the type of reasons one is looking to hear. Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. The desire to escape shame seems to be a driving factor in substance abuse and many other unwanted behaviors, and so shaming would potentially be tragically counterproductive. Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. I believe something can be gained by such questioning of conventional thinking. 30, 33, 72, 86, 122, etc.).. You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. The body's immune system can also function more optimally by crowding out inflammatory . In the mainstream paradigm, sometimes referred to as the domination paradigm: In the partnership paradigm that NVC tries to support: Let me define a few terms, from an NVC-inspired perspective. Do you really think thats a good idea?. I haven't often seen people getting into this sort of trouble. It helps fuel the body with vitamins and minerals, supports maintaining blood sugar levels, and adds crucial nutrition and lifestyle shifts to keep hormonal peace. What Should You Do? Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. Its assumed that it makes sense to look for ways to honor everyones needs, so that (to a very real extent) there are no winners and losers everyone gets to win. Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. Condition: Good. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. Yet, I still feel cautious and curious about what you're advocating for. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. And if so, could you be more specific about what you would like to have shared, and what it would do for you if that happened? . You say"On Dr. Rosenberg's stated preference not to hear what people think, Flack comments, 'I am not sure that is a recipe for nonviolence, when what so many desperately need is that their fully human minds be fairly heard.' One could argue that a relative weakness of Clean Talk is that it apparently doesnt aspire to support some of the types of challenging-but-valuable deep change that NVC at its best can contribute to. But in assailing someones very identity, youre issuing a global label a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they dont just do bad stuff, they are a bad person. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." 100% Money-Back Guarantee.". You talk about the NVC trainer in a workshop holding up a scarf to signify expressing anger only inwardly, not to the other. It may be helpful to review what I said above about what the technical term need refers to in NVC. So, in my judgment, using the word need when talking to someone who isnt an NVC practitioner is likely to create misunderstandings. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. If it's a spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment or registering. Post in topic forums and browse thousands of posts. Rosenberg refuses to say the conventional things about violence to try to disrupt the static thinking about this topic that ultimately leads to nowhere near as good an outcome as he believes would otherwise be possible. Cleantech Communication is uniquely qualified to articulate brand stories that balance complex science and engineering advances with aspirational sustainability goals. Its more about (1) modeling that sort of expression we might be interested in (i.e., one supportive of mutual compassion), (2) signaling that we we are interested in what is going on for the other in a non-blaming way, and (3) making ourselves vulnerable (by offering a guess that could be wrong) rather than asking them to vulnerably reveal themselves without offering any vulnerability of our own. Checks the existing comments and users for spam, We use cookies to provide our services and analyze site usage in accordance with our Privacy Policy. DataBase of spam active IP & Email addresses. You mention Rosenberg's "suggestion that we guess what the other person is feeling and needing, which seems to assume the other person isn't capable of describing it, and therefore rather condescending." There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. It's that role that Rosenberg tries to draw people's attention to. That orientation towards fighting tends to be associated with a belief that a moral contract has been violated. Interpersonal conflicts seem to often be deeply rooted in differing interpretations. | CleanTalk is a SaaS spam protection service for Web sites. Introduction Why Use Role Play Own Judgement Own Feelings Own Wants - Our Redo Own Data Word Coaching Introduction Judgements Feelings Wants Data Shadows of Clean Talk and Word Coaching Get Consent The End New Dawn Works is a Yelp advertiser. I can understand why Dr. Rosenberg might want to focus primarily on moralistic judgments, and use judgment as a convenient shorthand for that, while you might prefer to use judgment in a broader sense. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. Your Clean Talk examples provides a context that can soften this response but one can go further towards communicating in a way that is even less likely to stimulate defensiveness. You also say, "the practice of paraphrasing' seems to be based on an assumption that the other person isn't capable of expressing feelings for themselves, and is therefore somewhat condescending. Its not about assuming the other cant express feelings for themselves. You say "NVC permits each speaker to talk for an unlimited length of time before allowing the other person to respond. Actually, Dr. Rosenberg is famous for advising people to try to say whatever they want to say in 40 words or less (which is often unduly restrictive in practice). ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. Here, I offer a detailed (and long) response to that essay. Considering the three beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I did was wrong. It all depends on what associations you have with an action being wrong. If you associate being wrong with I deserve to be punished and to suffer, then I would be concerned that this belief may amount to a type of violence towards self that may ultimately contribute to there being more violence in the world. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. Communicate privately with other cleaners from around the world. My take on this is that using the word want (then following it with an NVC-style need) is generally a safer way of practicing NVC, and that Dr. Rosenberg used the word need sometimes primarily for pedagogical purposes. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. Some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if so, I agree that this is unduly limiting. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. We also offer strategy and execution . So, you can upload spammer email or IP spam list. In the story I made up, there was a role play happening, and the person just wanted to know whether they were being asked to be themselves, or put themselves in another's shoes. One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. ". Im not clear on to what extent this is a limit of NVC vs. being a limit of our practices of it. Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. The open question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but about how it is likely to be useful to express this. 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